Reiki brings calmness & a realization

My father starts shouting at my mother and I.

“It’s not my stuff! And I’m bored with bring surrounded by it! It’s costing me money! You’ve got to throw more stuff out!”

I’m genuinely intrigued as to how my, my sister and my mother’s possessions are causing him to lose income and venture the question.

“Rental income!” he bellowed, as if speaking in a normal volume might not quite get the point across.

“Oh how much?” I ask, wondering if a figure will in some way help illuminate why a calm man is now snarling at us and treating the two members of his audience as selfish imbeciles.

“Ha! Well it’s not quantifiable!” he huffs, before snatching at a scrap of paper which must have dangerously entered the house this morning unsanitized through the letter box.

“But this man wants to rent space!”

I stand quite still evaluating the situation for a moment, and my mother supportively rubs my arm. We have had three weeks of steady, industrious work, moving, then emptying boxes. Packing things up for the charity shop and then taking them there. I cleared an office studio for us both to do art in, and revealed a space to put in a double WC, which gives an idea of our progress but we did realise this was only a start.

Old me would have exploded. Shouting and screaming that we were trying and it was hard, and I was always tired and fatigued and on top of that I’m bloody scared. Terrified in fact that at some point someone will fuck up and one of us will get sick. It would only take one person to get it, and this family of three might become one or even sadder none.

“What about my sisters stuff, why don’t you ask and see if they could pay to rent some space until they could take her things?”

“No point. I might as well just throw them out.”

“Throw them out? Without consulting her? I’m not sure that’s very nice..”

“It’s what her husband would do!”

My sisters husband is ruthless but I’m unconvinced at this point he is a good inspirational thought leader as my sister still hasn’t recovered from some of his removals from her life.

I go down stairs and take a Vitality Supplement. Stroke the dogs and then return upstairs. I’m on route to meditate but I will just stick my head through the door briefly.

“Daddy I just want to thank you for letting my sister and I store our possessions for free for so long. It was my and I think her impression that this was a gift to us and not a problem but clearly things have changed and as such will need resolving. I appreciate your bringing clarity to this situation and thank you again for your past kindness.”

I go upstairs to the second bedroom where I am camped and looks a little like a tornado rolled through it. I turn on my heated blanket and climb onto bed to meditate. As the warmth envelopes me I realise that if I get taken out by Corona everything will get chucked anyway. So I pen a further note to parents via WhatsApp.

It reads “I should be dead in a month, why not wait until then when you can throw everything out with far less stress”

Mother replies – “Relax”

I meditate.

Reiki practitioner is kindly giving me long distance reiki and did yesterday. She asks how I am getting on.

And yes, I’ve realized that pushing a bolder up hill in terms of trying to get someone / FFF to fuck you really isn’t my style. In some ways, the challenge was to get him, and now that I know I have I can step back. If he really wants me he sill need to work I’m for it as I’m a high value individual on borrowed time and life is too short for people who don’t appreciate me for who I am…

Coronavirus is ruining my life

Daisy, immune suppressed is likely to be over of the first victims of this innocuous but deadly disease. And if that wasn’t bad enough, it now looks like she will have to self isolate immediately and miss out on going to yoga. Yoga which in the past few weeks has been a source of great comfort to Daisy. In fact any social gathering is now a risk and Daisy is more than aware of the fact if FFF had known the end of the world was coming perhaps he might have been a little more forthcoming to a fumble last time they saw each other.

However, as her life coach pointed out today, you shouldn’t have to push a Boulder up a hill inn terms of getting someone to want to sleep with you. So although Daisy thibgs he is drop dead gorgeous, she has also taken a step back and realised she is almost a catch herself to him. Twelve years his junior, with one degree and a master’s under her belt, a self published author of two successful books, she’s really not someone too just be overlooked as her has.

The ‘erotic photos’ (sexy pictures) that she enjoyed sending and he delighted in receiving must stop. He needs to miss her. To feel her absence and how can that happen when she keeps being so friendly and nice?

The priority over the coming weeks must be, ‘staying alive’, but alongside that, not contacting FFF comes a close second. Daisy can’t stop from being infected but she can stop being over Keen. Top tip she thinks to herself as she climbed into bed that night. Crossing her fingers she can do this…

The Hard Reset

It’s all fine. At 8:37 am, FFF texts her back on WhatsApp with a picture of what either might be the underworld or a basement presumably at his uncle’s house. It transpires this is where he has been for the past three days. Not sitting somewhere quietly being annoyed or upset with her.

[8:37 AM, 3/6/2020] FFF: This was where I spent most of my day yesterday! So sorry to not respond. Hot water problem. So the whole system had to be drained and cleaned. Daisy, I certainly do not have a problem with you. It’s all fine.

[9:20 AM, 3/6/2020] Daisy: Thanks for getting back to me. I hope it’s not too stressful.

She had contemplated ‘being honest’. explaining why she had got so anxious, a combination of her meds, past bad experiences of those she has cared for, ‘ghosting’ etc. The fact that when you are living on borrowed time you don’t like to leave anything to chance because quite honestly, you don’t know what lies around the corner or even if there is one. (Thanks Coronavirus…)

But she doesn’t say any of this. Why would she? She doesn’t want to be drama. She doesn’t want to be complicated or have baggage. He was busy. She should have realised that, and not even bothered him. But she did, and the repercussions of that are being thrown into days of confusion and anxiety which eat away at her and throw her into turmoil.

For most people, a few casual texts would have been fine. But FFF has flip-flopped her around in the last six months with the ‘will he, won’t he’ fuck her sentiment expressed through a series of WhatsApp messages. And now, although she knows she should be fine with his decision for them to be ‘just be friends’ because she has never had a situation like this in her life before, she is sensitive to the nuances of communication with him.

If truth be told she really has made a rod for her own back. Encouraging him, laying herself out on a plate pretty much. And now he has made the oh so sensible decision to step back she should step back too.

Her messages weren’t bad ones, but whereas everyone else she sent the forward about the Stanley Tucci history podcast too responded with at least an acknowledgement if not thanks, he, FFF was too busy to do anything except read them and let the blue ticks reign.

Meanwhile, George, the terribly kind and helpful new friend who she is pleased to have in her life but does not in any way see romantically gives the perfect responses. Always the way isn’t it? The ones you want don’t want you, and the ones who are a total catch aren’t your type…

[4:16 PM, 3/5/2020] George: This looks great. I also love Tucci. (In reference to Stanley Tucci’s episodes on California history)

[5:13 PM, 3/5/2020] George: Episode 1 done, I’m getting educated

Polite, positive and a shared interest? And he likes learning. What’s not to like? Daisy is lucky to have met George. She just wishes FFF would respond like George instead of being so busy he can’t get back to her for half a week. Maybe part of it is that he is older, from a generation before social media, and texting, and maybe his generation don’t communicate like she does. When in France though… Surely after a while you pick up etiquette?

Also the, ‘Daisy, I certainly do not have a problem with you. It’s all fine’ is reassuring in its clarity. She would love to think it’s almost so adamant it might mean the opposite, that maybe he doesn’t have a problem with her, more he really likes her? But she knows that. They know they like each other. That isn’t the problem. But Daisy is twisting his words and trying to make magic out of dust. They are where they are, and now she needs to try and move on.

Daisy has to get back in control of this. She needs to press the ‘Hard Reset’ button.

She needs to get on with her life. All that happens when she lets men are is that they emotionally drain her because she is so paranoid of what might happen again, as past ghosts rise up to haunt her.

The new rule, new week (even if we are on Friday).

No contact unless he contacts her.

That way she will know that

  1. He is thinking about her
  2. He has time to communicate

Daisy’s time starts now. But can she actually do this?

For her mental health, she thinks yes.

Unrelated to this, or maybe it is? Daisy goes back to bed at 10:26 am and sleeps until 12:34pm. She has been doing a lot recently, getting up early, cooking a lot of meals, being very helpful. But suddenly it all hits her and she needs to lie down. There is something so comforting about her bed, and its soft covers she knows so well.

Sleep is time for repair and recovery, and although she thinks it is due to how hard she has been working, a small part of her suspects that the stress she has put upon herself in regards to the importance of no response from FFF might have exacerbated things.

This isn’t something she can be sure of, but the fact it even might be makes her think. Men are nice as a divertissement but realistically does she need to jeopardise her health with the possibility of stress caused by them? It might be time to rethink dating. Especially if dating might be detrimental to her health…

‘Texts he can’t resist’ experiment…

I’m a huge fan of Mathew Hussey and his no nonsense approach to dating but will his ‘report’ on texts a man can’t resist work, or just make FFF think I’ve lost the plot?

Start time 3:15 pm today –

He reads the message… and then…
Nothing.
Oh fuck. Well that went well!
#datingfail

Update:
He had his son with him yesterday!
Shit…
I’m so embarrassed 😞
Why didn’t I realise that? Me with my frivolous hamburger 🍔 messages and then I had gone and sent a voice message asking for advice… idiot.
I want to curl up and die. But instead I will archive his message and pretend I don’t send anything.
Fuck. Why can’t I just leave things alone?

A bizarre twist to the story!

So happy! Thank you angels for looking after me!

Remember this? Well it became this…

Message sent on the Friday gets response on Sunday, and it’s not all negative…