Reiki brings calmness & a realization

My father starts shouting at my mother and I.

“It’s not my stuff! And I’m bored with bring surrounded by it! It’s costing me money! You’ve got to throw more stuff out!”

I’m genuinely intrigued as to how my, my sister and my mother’s possessions are causing him to lose income and venture the question.

“Rental income!” he bellowed, as if speaking in a normal volume might not quite get the point across.

“Oh how much?” I ask, wondering if a figure will in some way help illuminate why a calm man is now snarling at us and treating the two members of his audience as selfish imbeciles.

“Ha! Well it’s not quantifiable!” he huffs, before snatching at a scrap of paper which must have dangerously entered the house this morning unsanitized through the letter box.

“But this man wants to rent space!”

I stand quite still evaluating the situation for a moment, and my mother supportively rubs my arm. We have had three weeks of steady, industrious work, moving, then emptying boxes. Packing things up for the charity shop and then taking them there. I cleared an office studio for us both to do art in, and revealed a space to put in a double WC, which gives an idea of our progress but we did realise this was only a start.

Old me would have exploded. Shouting and screaming that we were trying and it was hard, and I was always tired and fatigued and on top of that I’m bloody scared. Terrified in fact that at some point someone will fuck up and one of us will get sick. It would only take one person to get it, and this family of three might become one or even sadder none.

“What about my sisters stuff, why don’t you ask and see if they could pay to rent some space until they could take her things?”

“No point. I might as well just throw them out.”

“Throw them out? Without consulting her? I’m not sure that’s very nice..”

“It’s what her husband would do!”

My sisters husband is ruthless but I’m unconvinced at this point he is a good inspirational thought leader as my sister still hasn’t recovered from some of his removals from her life.

I go down stairs and take a Vitality Supplement. Stroke the dogs and then return upstairs. I’m on route to meditate but I will just stick my head through the door briefly.

“Daddy I just want to thank you for letting my sister and I store our possessions for free for so long. It was my and I think her impression that this was a gift to us and not a problem but clearly things have changed and as such will need resolving. I appreciate your bringing clarity to this situation and thank you again for your past kindness.”

I go upstairs to the second bedroom where I am camped and looks a little like a tornado rolled through it. I turn on my heated blanket and climb onto bed to meditate. As the warmth envelopes me I realise that if I get taken out by Corona everything will get chucked anyway. So I pen a further note to parents via WhatsApp.

It reads “I should be dead in a month, why not wait until then when you can throw everything out with far less stress”

Mother replies – “Relax”

I meditate.

Reiki practitioner is kindly giving me long distance reiki and did yesterday. She asks how I am getting on.

And yes, I’ve realized that pushing a bolder up hill in terms of trying to get someone / FFF to fuck you really isn’t my style. In some ways, the challenge was to get him, and now that I know I have I can step back. If he really wants me he sill need to work I’m for it as I’m a high value individual on borrowed time and life is too short for people who don’t appreciate me for who I am…

Coronavirus is ruining my life

Daisy, immune suppressed is likely to be over of the first victims of this innocuous but deadly disease. And if that wasn’t bad enough, it now looks like she will have to self isolate immediately and miss out on going to yoga. Yoga which in the past few weeks has been a source of great comfort to Daisy. In fact any social gathering is now a risk and Daisy is more than aware of the fact if FFF had known the end of the world was coming perhaps he might have been a little more forthcoming to a fumble last time they saw each other.

However, as her life coach pointed out today, you shouldn’t have to push a Boulder up a hill inn terms of getting someone to want to sleep with you. So although Daisy thibgs he is drop dead gorgeous, she has also taken a step back and realised she is almost a catch herself to him. Twelve years his junior, with one degree and a master’s under her belt, a self published author of two successful books, she’s really not someone too just be overlooked as her has.

The ‘erotic photos’ (sexy pictures) that she enjoyed sending and he delighted in receiving must stop. He needs to miss her. To feel her absence and how can that happen when she keeps being so friendly and nice?

The priority over the coming weeks must be, ‘staying alive’, but alongside that, not contacting FFF comes a close second. Daisy can’t stop from being infected but she can stop being over Keen. Top tip she thinks to herself as she climbed into bed that night. Crossing her fingers she can do this…

‘Texts he can’t resist’ experiment…

I’m a huge fan of Mathew Hussey and his no nonsense approach to dating but will his ‘report’ on texts a man can’t resist work, or just make FFF think I’ve lost the plot?

Start time 3:15 pm today –

He reads the message… and then…
Oh fuck. Well that went well!

He had his son with him yesterday!
I’m so embarrassed 😞
Why didn’t I realise that? Me with my frivolous hamburger 🍔 messages and then I had gone and sent a voice message asking for advice… idiot.
I want to curl up and die. But instead I will archive his message and pretend I don’t send anything.
Fuck. Why can’t I just leave things alone?

A bizarre twist to the story!

So happy! Thank you angels for looking after me!

How to tell someone (the man you fancy), that you have herpes… My version.

Sometimes, you write something and you know it’s going to be too much. So you edit, and you edit, and you edit. Until eventually….

Sometimes, you write something and you know it’s going to be too much. So you edit, and you edit, and you edit. Until eventually you have something which looks like you might reasonably send it. Of course, you are shitting yourself. And you send it to as many people as you can. But then eventually you need to know to press send. After that, there is no going back. It will quite literally, all be on a plate.


Hey _________

I’m really excited to see you next Wednesday.

I think by now you know I’m attracted to you and I think you feel something for me as well.

I just want to reiterate again that there are no expectations or pressure other than to have fun and enjoy each other.

As you know I’ve been a through a bit of a journey with health and one of the side effects of taking medication to keep me liver happy keeps my immune system gets suppressed.

Some time ago a sexual partner gave me herpes, (genital cold sores).

This is how I contracted the virus. I didn’t get to make a choice on whether or not I wanted to take the chance. It was passed on to me by someone who had no idea they carried the virus.

I wish I could have made the decision for myself, and chose how to move forward, but I didn’t get too.

This was horrifying for me, but I’ve done a lot of research and millions of people have it – most of them not even knowing they do as they have no symptoms.

Most of the time it’s not a problem and with careful precautions like using protection it’s reasonably safe for me to engage in sexual activity.

Alongside this, It’s really uncommon to contract it without a flare-up.

As uncomfortable as it’s for me, I felt that it was important to let you have a few days to process this information.

I understand that this could lead to a reaction on your end and a change in your mind about what you want but I will never hold anything against you.

I look forward to seeing you on Wednesday, even if you don’t want to mess around we can still go for a walk and play pool.


(Afterthought – if you want to know more about it I’ve done a lot of research and can send you some of what I know and some good links. It’s really a very common condition but that doesn’t stop the stigma which is attached to it).