Reiki brings calmness & a realization

My father starts shouting at my mother and I.

“It’s not my stuff! And I’m bored with bring surrounded by it! It’s costing me money! You’ve got to throw more stuff out!”

I’m genuinely intrigued as to how my, my sister and my mother’s possessions are causing him to lose income and venture the question.

“Rental income!” he bellowed, as if speaking in a normal volume might not quite get the point across.

“Oh how much?” I ask, wondering if a figure will in some way help illuminate why a calm man is now snarling at us and treating the two members of his audience as selfish imbeciles.

“Ha! Well it’s not quantifiable!” he huffs, before snatching at a scrap of paper which must have dangerously entered the house this morning unsanitized through the letter box.

“But this man wants to rent space!”

I stand quite still evaluating the situation for a moment, and my mother supportively rubs my arm. We have had three weeks of steady, industrious work, moving, then emptying boxes. Packing things up for the charity shop and then taking them there. I cleared an office studio for us both to do art in, and revealed a space to put in a double WC, which gives an idea of our progress but we did realise this was only a start.

Old me would have exploded. Shouting and screaming that we were trying and it was hard, and I was always tired and fatigued and on top of that I’m bloody scared. Terrified in fact that at some point someone will fuck up and one of us will get sick. It would only take one person to get it, and this family of three might become one or even sadder none.

“What about my sisters stuff, why don’t you ask and see if they could pay to rent some space until they could take her things?”

“No point. I might as well just throw them out.”

“Throw them out? Without consulting her? I’m not sure that’s very nice..”

“It’s what her husband would do!”

My sisters husband is ruthless but I’m unconvinced at this point he is a good inspirational thought leader as my sister still hasn’t recovered from some of his removals from her life.

I go down stairs and take a Vitality Supplement. Stroke the dogs and then return upstairs. I’m on route to meditate but I will just stick my head through the door briefly.

“Daddy I just want to thank you for letting my sister and I store our possessions for free for so long. It was my and I think her impression that this was a gift to us and not a problem but clearly things have changed and as such will need resolving. I appreciate your bringing clarity to this situation and thank you again for your past kindness.”

I go upstairs to the second bedroom where I am camped and looks a little like a tornado rolled through it. I turn on my heated blanket and climb onto bed to meditate. As the warmth envelopes me I realise that if I get taken out by Corona everything will get chucked anyway. So I pen a further note to parents via WhatsApp.

It reads “I should be dead in a month, why not wait until then when you can throw everything out with far less stress”

Mother replies – “Relax”

I meditate.

Reiki practitioner is kindly giving me long distance reiki and did yesterday. She asks how I am getting on.

And yes, I’ve realized that pushing a bolder up hill in terms of trying to get someone / FFF to fuck you really isn’t my style. In some ways, the challenge was to get him, and now that I know I have I can step back. If he really wants me he sill need to work I’m for it as I’m a high value individual on borrowed time and life is too short for people who don’t appreciate me for who I am…

She asks too much and is put in her place.

She asks too much and is put in her place.

He said he didn’t want a relationship, and although she said she heard she clearly wanted to push the boundaries to see how much of this was true. As a friend would he come to her in need, or is life too busy for her moments of lowness?

On Monday she thought she would update him with her day. And as such, she furnished him with a selection of photos which she felt were pretty and illuminative, enough to give an insight into her life. Not too many to be overwhelming, just a sprinkling of suggestion that his life in Cornwall would be better with her in it…

She ended this with…

[9:27 PM, 3/16/2020] Daisy: How was yours? Productive? Positive?

[2:17 PM, 3/17/2020] Daisy: Absolutely miserable and depressed today. It’s grey and cold, I’m scared and low. If you do reappear at any point – anything might cheer me slightly. I’ve come so far, been sick for so long and now this? 😦

Hearing nothing she takes herself to bed and sleeps for thirteen hours. On waking she wants to reassure him, let him know it was just a blip, so she sends a recommendation to Mark Commode’s new film show which is starting on Thursday night and adds to it –

[2:14 PM, 3/18/2020] Daisy: Yesterday was rough – really rough – a lack of sleep. Lots of long walks. Stress. About my various ventures, the risk to life of us who are immune-suppressed with existing health conditions in the current climate… All hit me and my brain broke. I couldn’t think – and I hate that. Much better today though. Much more hopeful. 🙂 How are you doing?

[2:15 PM, 3/18/2020] Daisy: I’ve got a bath selfie to send if you want it? Still trying to work out if black and white look better than colour.

He reads it, and there is silence.

Daisy takes a deep breath and realises two things.

  1. FFF has a very busy life.
  2. FFF will not overstep the line of fuck buddies – if she wants love and support she will have to find it elsewhere.

(Possibly with her puppy and a pack of the giant chocolate buttons…)

Friday the 13th & a Tinder Date…

I’m on a date! And, dear reader with the onset of Corona Virus, and who knows it might be my last… But no! I won’t have this negativity! It’s bad enough that a disease which is taking out those with ‘existing medical conditions’ (me) and those with ‘suppressed immune systems’ (me) has the same name as what used to be a delightful summer beverage served ice cold with a slice of a lime wedge in the kneck of the bottle, is killing people! It’s also ruined my non-existent social life.

The country is gripped by fear, and panic buying has set in with the shelves of loo roll empty (why?) and pasta (are people that lazy?) empty and the radio filled with barely disguised ‘keep calm and carry on’ rhetoric. (Which in 6 hours will dissipate as the Government does a spectacular U-turn and bans mass gatherings – without clarifying if this more than 4 people or not…) If someone had written this up you wouldn’t have believed it never mind wanted to read it, but probably someone did and maybe right now as I type he/she is probably thrilled as their bank account fills up from their self-published kindle sales. (As it happens Amazon is overwhelmed by the number of self-published books coming out as people try to make a quick buck off the crisis – self-help manuals cobbled together from online articles alongside cookery books on how to make hand sanitizer – Amazon is trying to take the really rubbish ones down but it’s a full-time job and hand sanitizer is being listed for £160 for tiny 30ml as panic spreads.)

This is an odd time to be alive and although I feel blessed to be alive – thanks to my anonymous deceased donor – I am also more than aware of the fact the world we are living is daily becoming darker and more dangerous as the things that may kill us, become invisible and more stealthy.

I never wanted a child until a doctor told me that having children would be difficult, ‘if not impossible’ and now, years later I am realising that I am unapologetically realising that my desires are not unreasonable for a 35-year-old. However, what world would I be bringing a child into? What can we not predict or see? What may be yet out to get us?

And yet, I digress. The country is in the beginning days of a pandemic and yet I find myself in a Cornish pub, an authentically naturally themed 17th-century watering hole, which by the way is packed, waiting for a Tinder date. (We can only assume that the ‘packed’ nature of this establishment is encouraging  people to make a last ditch attempt at socialisation before we are all told to self-isolate.)

“Tinder date?!”

Yes. I realise I should have given it up as a bad app, with most men on it wanting a quick fuck, but now that enough seem to genuinely want something with more depth I decided to give it a second chance. And while aimlessly scrolling I happened upon ‘Jonathon’ (not his real name) and thought – ‘wow’. He may, of course, be one of those people who photographs well and yet in real life is unattractive yet his bio was worthy of a second read-through and complimented his pictures.

“.. 5’11 (we will see!) And I work in films…. Not very glamorous… (modest – or brutally honest)… A lot of geek… (oh meow…) bad action movies (I wonder which ones) video games (oh dear…) the natural world (David Attentbrough fan I hope!) travel (Yay!)  and photography to name but a few. Easy going and often found in London or Switzerland. A sucker for pretty eyes (hmmm… well mine do have magical powers…)”

The only issue is that he is ‘London based’ – but London is but five hours, one scenic rail journey away, and let’s be frank, what would there not to be like about a girl in Cornwall? A holiday and a fuck? Go on then… But I am too hopeful, and I must curtail my optimism before it flies away with me and up too close to the sun.

“But what about Fit Family Friend?”

Oh, dear friend, he is not forgotten. But he categorically told my mother he couldn’t and wouldn’t have another child, it was too stressful, and in that last message he sent, although he said he ‘adored you and your family’ the fact he hasn’t got it in him to step up and take me to bed… Well, what can she do? As my life coach (who works pro bono with me in the hope I will make good one day) says, if ‘he isn’t man enough’. And dear reader I can’t wait around forever in the hope that just maybe he will step up. My life as you know is one with no guarantees, no sureness of longevity and I need to make the most of every moment. I want him, so much, but he doesn’t value me above a few good lunches and dinners social engagements and meals, so, for now, I must focus on my health and my own pleasure.

This is backed up by the fact that for Christmas, I gave my sister a ‘Tarot Reading Course’ for Christmas and on Wednesday she did me a love reading… Well, well. It was quite remarkable in its accuracy! For I did come to the realisation the other day that I really did need to make myself self-sufficient before I can be seen as a feasible option as a life partner. I come with a brilliant credit rating, and since the whitening, teeth which I think aren’t half bad, so if you ignore astigmatism and vulnerability to an infection, I am a reasonable catch.

But – living off disability benefit, knowing that often days are written off due fatigue, and there are no certainties in whether I will work today, tomorrow or the subsequent days and hours afterwards, means that realistically I need to get my side hustle on in a big way.

I have plans. Many of them. Maybe too many. But I am not prepared for things to remain as they are. If for no other glaring obvious reason being that I am yet to find the miracle supplement which will replenish my energy levels and leave me the Duracell bunny of energy I desire to be.

But back to the date. Scary. Exciting. Bizarre.  But why the fuck not?

When I look back, whenever I might be, I do not want to say, “I wish I had…’. No regrets. It’s the promise I made to my organ donor. To her memory and I won’t let her down. Ever.

7:13 pm Friday 13th of March 2020 – 13 is my lucky number… Do I believe in magic?

7:16 pm

Ah. First impressions?

A little chubbier than his profile and if that’s 5’11 it may have been in heels…. Now – now – stop it! Give him a chance!

Two hours later I step back into the dark wet night gently warm from the laughter that has filled my lungs in the past duration of time.

He wasn’t the man I wanted to be opposite, but he was nice. He was kind and he was amusing. And, I must keep trying to move on…

Of course, what I also thought for much of it was, quite simply that, he wasn’t Fit Family Friend.. but there is not a lot I can do about that is there?

11:30 pm

I don’t believe it. Really?

Fit Family Friend: Why have you gone so quiet? I miss your messages.

WHAT? Really?

My immediate response is to carry on reading my most recent self-help book and ignore him for a week as he has me. But another part of me wants to be brutally honest and lay it out so he can understand clearly the situation.

What I want to send:

“In the past 8 plus months, you have flip-flopped backwards and forwards as to how you see and want to be with me.

At the end of the day, I told you regardless of what happened between us nothing would ever change the family friendship we share and even gave you the evidence-based on past histories of our families.

You told me that as much as you cared for both me and my family nothing could be risked as you wouldn’t respond well to any situations that might arise as they would affect you and make you cold and distant.

Finally, after our last honest message exchanges, you insinuated that when alone we might fool around – something I was more than fine with – and understanding of it would be just that – ‘fun’ no commitment – no drama – just two people being young and enjoying each other’s bodies. As nothing happened, I realised that you must have decided that that part of our friendship was done. (Parties and events not included).

For me – life is for living for the moment – because to be blunt – I don’t know how long I have with this new organ. And as one of those who is both ‘immune-suppressed’ and has an ‘underlying health condition’ both of which make her vulnerable to the recent pandemic – and bluntly now making it I would rather have experience then have regrets – but your life is different – you will live a long time and I shouldn’t need to push a boulder uphill when it comes to some fun and frolics. Either someone is in or they aren’t.

I haven’t therefore been sending any flirty or lingerie shots as I thought that might be considered being a ‘tease’ and that’s not me.

I’m not looking for a relationship with you – I know we want very different things – and what I value more than anything else is our friendship, so I felt stepping back while you were so busy was the best recourse.

I care about you greatly. And don’t want to confuse our friendship with mixed messages – you mean too much to me to do that. X”

This, of course, would be overkill.

For one thing, is that what he means? He misses the provocative shots I used to send him? That’s where my mind immediately goes, but what if I am wrong, and he just means the nice landscape Cornish seascapes I have been sending him. It’s unlikely, but it would seem totally over the top if that wasn’t what he meant. Instead of responding immediately in the knee jerk responses of old I went to sleep.

But I woke early and bit the bullet.

[6:27 AM, 3/14/2020] Daisy: Hey you, how is it all going? Can you clarify which messages you are referring to please? Cornish seascapes or other art shots? 😉

Hours pass and the ticks go blue, but nothing…

[1:37 PM, 3/14/2020] Daisy: And don’t overthink your answer – there will never be a wrong answer with me x

There are two options for his reply, and one will get the first text, the long honest response which he could do with hearing, and the other will get some nice pictures of Cornwall. She hopes he goes for the first, because at least then they can move on with their lives. One way, or another…

Of course – now – at 3:26pm – four blue ticks later, she realises that she will probably have to wait a week to find out his answer…

Coronavirus is ruining my life

Daisy, immune suppressed is likely to be over of the first victims of this innocuous but deadly disease. And if that wasn’t bad enough, it now looks like she will have to self isolate immediately and miss out on going to yoga. Yoga which in the past few weeks has been a source of great comfort to Daisy. In fact any social gathering is now a risk and Daisy is more than aware of the fact if FFF had known the end of the world was coming perhaps he might have been a little more forthcoming to a fumble last time they saw each other.

However, as her life coach pointed out today, you shouldn’t have to push a Boulder up a hill inn terms of getting someone to want to sleep with you. So although Daisy thibgs he is drop dead gorgeous, she has also taken a step back and realised she is almost a catch herself to him. Twelve years his junior, with one degree and a master’s under her belt, a self published author of two successful books, she’s really not someone too just be overlooked as her has.

The ‘erotic photos’ (sexy pictures) that she enjoyed sending and he delighted in receiving must stop. He needs to miss her. To feel her absence and how can that happen when she keeps being so friendly and nice?

The priority over the coming weeks must be, ‘staying alive’, but alongside that, not contacting FFF comes a close second. Daisy can’t stop from being infected but she can stop being over Keen. Top tip she thinks to herself as she climbed into bed that night. Crossing her fingers she can do this…

The Hard Reset

It’s all fine. At 8:37 am, FFF texts her back on WhatsApp with a picture of what either might be the underworld or a basement presumably at his uncle’s house. It transpires this is where he has been for the past three days. Not sitting somewhere quietly being annoyed or upset with her.

[8:37 AM, 3/6/2020] FFF: This was where I spent most of my day yesterday! So sorry to not respond. Hot water problem. So the whole system had to be drained and cleaned. Daisy, I certainly do not have a problem with you. It’s all fine.

[9:20 AM, 3/6/2020] Daisy: Thanks for getting back to me. I hope it’s not too stressful.

She had contemplated ‘being honest’. explaining why she had got so anxious, a combination of her meds, past bad experiences of those she has cared for, ‘ghosting’ etc. The fact that when you are living on borrowed time you don’t like to leave anything to chance because quite honestly, you don’t know what lies around the corner or even if there is one. (Thanks Coronavirus…)

But she doesn’t say any of this. Why would she? She doesn’t want to be drama. She doesn’t want to be complicated or have baggage. He was busy. She should have realised that, and not even bothered him. But she did, and the repercussions of that are being thrown into days of confusion and anxiety which eat away at her and throw her into turmoil.

For most people, a few casual texts would have been fine. But FFF has flip-flopped her around in the last six months with the ‘will he, won’t he’ fuck her sentiment expressed through a series of WhatsApp messages. And now, although she knows she should be fine with his decision for them to be ‘just be friends’ because she has never had a situation like this in her life before, she is sensitive to the nuances of communication with him.

If truth be told she really has made a rod for her own back. Encouraging him, laying herself out on a plate pretty much. And now he has made the oh so sensible decision to step back she should step back too.

Her messages weren’t bad ones, but whereas everyone else she sent the forward about the Stanley Tucci history podcast too responded with at least an acknowledgement if not thanks, he, FFF was too busy to do anything except read them and let the blue ticks reign.

Meanwhile, George, the terribly kind and helpful new friend who she is pleased to have in her life but does not in any way see romantically gives the perfect responses. Always the way isn’t it? The ones you want don’t want you, and the ones who are a total catch aren’t your type…

[4:16 PM, 3/5/2020] George: This looks great. I also love Tucci. (In reference to Stanley Tucci’s episodes on California history)

[5:13 PM, 3/5/2020] George: Episode 1 done, I’m getting educated

Polite, positive and a shared interest? And he likes learning. What’s not to like? Daisy is lucky to have met George. She just wishes FFF would respond like George instead of being so busy he can’t get back to her for half a week. Maybe part of it is that he is older, from a generation before social media, and texting, and maybe his generation don’t communicate like she does. When in France though… Surely after a while you pick up etiquette?

Also the, ‘Daisy, I certainly do not have a problem with you. It’s all fine’ is reassuring in its clarity. She would love to think it’s almost so adamant it might mean the opposite, that maybe he doesn’t have a problem with her, more he really likes her? But she knows that. They know they like each other. That isn’t the problem. But Daisy is twisting his words and trying to make magic out of dust. They are where they are, and now she needs to try and move on.

Daisy has to get back in control of this. She needs to press the ‘Hard Reset’ button.

She needs to get on with her life. All that happens when she lets men are is that they emotionally drain her because she is so paranoid of what might happen again, as past ghosts rise up to haunt her.

The new rule, new week (even if we are on Friday).

No contact unless he contacts her.

That way she will know that

  1. He is thinking about her
  2. He has time to communicate

Daisy’s time starts now. But can she actually do this?

For her mental health, she thinks yes.

Unrelated to this, or maybe it is? Daisy goes back to bed at 10:26 am and sleeps until 12:34pm. She has been doing a lot recently, getting up early, cooking a lot of meals, being very helpful. But suddenly it all hits her and she needs to lie down. There is something so comforting about her bed, and its soft covers she knows so well.

Sleep is time for repair and recovery, and although she thinks it is due to how hard she has been working, a small part of her suspects that the stress she has put upon herself in regards to the importance of no response from FFF might have exacerbated things.

This isn’t something she can be sure of, but the fact it even might be makes her think. Men are nice as a divertissement but realistically does she need to jeopardise her health with the possibility of stress caused by them? It might be time to rethink dating. Especially if dating might be detrimental to her health…

‘Texts he can’t resist’ experiment…

I’m a huge fan of Mathew Hussey and his no nonsense approach to dating but will his ‘report’ on texts a man can’t resist work, or just make FFF think I’ve lost the plot?

Start time 3:15 pm today –

He reads the message… and then…
Oh fuck. Well that went well!

He had his son with him yesterday!
I’m so embarrassed 😞
Why didn’t I realise that? Me with my frivolous hamburger 🍔 messages and then I had gone and sent a voice message asking for advice… idiot.
I want to curl up and die. But instead I will archive his message and pretend I don’t send anything.
Fuck. Why can’t I just leave things alone?