Addicted to Ergo

‘Element of suffering in true love”

Fuck. This sounds remarkably familiar.

Mental note – if the courting process is making me cry tears more often then I cry out from the throws of happiness from daily life or from orgasms I need to pinch myself and get out.

After far too many years to count its time to start loving myself and stop chasing men who are unavailable or just twats.

And just incase I wasn’t going to be able to execute this here, in my present location, circumstances are such that I’m moving to Cornwall in four days. Yes, home of clotted cream and pasties. An ideal time to get back on with my Fasting and Abstinence diet I feel. If I don’t collapse and die from the exhaustion of packing before then that is….

How could the sex be so good?

How could the sex be so good and yes the be so distant and uncaring?

It wasn’t the same as with Daisy’s first husband, because at least he had at least seemed to love her for a time, but Daisy could undoubtedly see similarities.

In the text Trudi, thinks that she can sleep her way into the affections of the man she loves, and delusional as this seems, Daisy can relate to this. Mr Unavailable, is good in bed. Not good enough to bring Daisy to the sort of orgasms she has with her toy collection, but close enough to pleasure in a physical state that she can be sated. However, without trust, their last bondage experience went to hell and Daisy honestly can’t see a way back from that.

Her new reading material is frighteningly close to home in its depiction of not only Daisy but some of her closest friends.
How could the sex be so good and yes the be so distant and uncaring?

It wasn’t the same as with Daisy’s first husband, because at least he had at least seemed to love her for a time, but Daisy could undoubtedly see similarities.

In the text Trudi, thinks that she can sleep her way into the affections of the man she loves, and delusional as this seems, Daisy can relate to this. Mr Unavailable, is good in bed. Not good enough to bring Daisy to the sort of orgasms she has with her toy collection, but close enough to pleasure in a physical state that she can be sated. However, without trust, their last bondage experience went to hell and Daisy honestly can’t see a way back from that.

Her new reading material is frighteningly close to home in its depiction of not only Daisy but some of her closest friends.

How could the sex be so good and yes the be so distant and uncaring?

It wasn’t the same as with Daisy’s first husband, because at least he had at least seemed to love her for a time, but Daisy could undoubtedly see similarities.

In the text Trudi, thinks that she can sleep her way into the affections of the man she loves, and delusional as this seems, Daisy can relate to this. Mr Unavailable, is good in bed. Not good enough to bring Daisy to the sort of orgasms she has with her toy collection, but close enough to pleasure in a physical state that she can be sated. However, without trust, their last bondage experience went to hell and Daisy honestly can’t see a way back from that.

Her new reading material is frighteningly close to home in its depiction of not only Daisy but some of her closest friends.

‘Women Who Love Too Much’ by Robin Norwood.

More to follow…

Daisy call’s him up on his shit – aka ‘The Litmus Test’

litmus test
noun
1.
CHEMISTRY
a test for acidity or alkalinity using litmus.
2.
a decisively indicative test.
“effectiveness in these areas is often a good litmus test of overall quality”
Winning the war in your mind.
“The emotional impact of being diagnosed with genital herpes is often much worse than the condition and it doesn’t deserve the upset it causes.”

‘Well’, thinks Daisy, ‘this isn’t quite the sort of gift I would have liked from him.”
Daisy is thinking of the gift of herpes, the sexually transmitted disease she has been given in the last two weeks by her ‘fuck buddy’ Mr Unavailable. Mr Unavavailable thinks he didn’t give it to her, but if they were in a court of law, the evidence would be pretty damming.
1. He has had cold sores in the past.
2. He has been sick for the past month.
3. He went down on her.
4. They had unprotected sex.
Daisy is not in the business of blame. It serves little purpose unless you are trying to achieve some compensation and in the business of sexual health, once it has gone it has gone.
If the local GUM clinic had a loyalty card program, Daisy would have Gold Card status. She has been, pardon the phrase, anal about looking after her sexual health. A youth spent dealing with the life-changing diagnosis of an incurable autoimmune disease threw her into depression, alcohol and the beds of anyone she thought might maybe ‘love’ her? There was also the eternal search for the elusive ‘orgasm’, found only many years later with the assistance of external aids. And truly, she has been such a good practicer of safe sex. Condoms were her friend. So the total debacle of the unprotected sex she had two weeks ago makes her wonder if she was body snatched by aliens.
“The risk of transmitting the herpes virus can be reduced by about 50% if you use condoms.”

litmus test
noun
  1. 1.
  2. CHEMISTRY
  3. a test for acidity or alkalinity using litmus.
  4. 2.
  5. a decisively indicative test.
  6. “effectiveness in these areas is often a good litmus test of overall quality”

Winning the war in your mind.
“The emotional impact of being diagnosed with genital herpes is often much worse than the condition and it doesn’t deserve the upset it causes.”

‘Well’, thinks Daisy, ‘this isn’t quite the sort of gift I would have liked from him.”
Daisy is thinking of the gift of herpes, the sexually transmitted disease she has been given in the last two weeks by her ‘fuck buddy’ Mr Unavailable. Mr Unavavailable thinks he didn’t give it to her, but if they were in a court of law, the evidence would be pretty damming.
1. He has had cold sores in the past.
2. He has been sick for the past month.
3. He went down on her.
4. They had unprotected sex.
Daisy is not in the business of blame. It serves little purpose unless you are trying to achieve some compensation and in the business of sexual health, once it has gone it has gone.
If the local GUM clinic had a loyalty card program, Daisy would have Gold Card status. She has been, pardon the phrase, anal about looking after her sexual health. A youth spent dealing with the life-changing diagnosis of an incurable autoimmune disease threw her into depression, alcohol and the beds of anyone she thought might maybe ‘love’ her? There was also the eternal search for the elusive ‘orgasm’, found only many years later with the assistance of external aids. And truly, she has been such a good practicer of safe sex. Condoms were her friend. So the total debacle of the unprotected sex she had two weeks ago makes her wonder if she was body snatched by aliens.
“The risk of transmitting the herpes virus can be reduced by about 50% if you use condoms.”
This information is like a hug when she reads it. It makes her feel less stupid and more like if this was going to happen, it was and maybe even condoms would not have saved her. In the last few days, Daisy has learnt so much about herpes she feels almost like she could take it on as her specialist subject on Mastermind.
The ‘New Zealand Herpes Foundation’ is an incredible resource of information on every aspect of Daisy’s new medical issue. The more she reads the more she realises how much of a stigma is attached to this awful disease, which really and truly is just a skin condition.
In many ways, the facial cold sore is worse because you can see it, and no one ostracises people with cold sores. Instead, people are just sensible.
Daisy has ‘ummed’, and ‘ahh’ed about messaging Mr Unavailable back after his nice little accusation that she ‘gave it to him’. It’s taken time but today she feels like this is the moment that she needs to lay her cards on the table. Sometimes you need to call people up on their shit. Sometimes you need to know when to do it.
So she begins…

“I’m really upset by all this.
What do you not understand about this situation?
‘Since the genital herpes virus can be transmitted through oral sex as well as vaginal sex, it is also possible that your partner caught the virus from a cold sore on your mouth or face.
Remember, it is possible you can pass the herpes virus on even if you didn’t have a cold sore present at the time of contact.’
I am sure you are more than aware of how much I care about you as a person and despite what you think happened in the past, I have never wanted or set out to intentionally hurt or harm you.
Assumptions aren’t healthy neither is blame.
The other party is being tested, but until both tests are in, we won’t know and even then we might not.
I am not going to jump to conclusions (like you) but he is a lot older than us and has never had a cold sore in his life. I slept with him for years back when we dated and never had a problem. The symptoms didn’t start until after we slept together (positive because in a worst-case scenario if he did give it to me you might be fine) but odd that it was after you and not him.
So if you get tested and don’t have it – great 👍🏻
If you get tested and do have it and your results come back before his – well the odds are on you but at least you know now and can be aware for the future.
A huge number of the population carries the virus without knowing and it was probably due to the weakened immune system that I contracted it.
There is no point in me being angry.
But my life is changed forever.
That does not sit lightly with me.
Some key points through which I think you should be aware of.
1. Herpes is a skin condition – no different from the cold sore virus – as such the stigma associated with it is wrong and although – yes – I am devastated by contracting this disease I will seek to work towards helping others with this diagnosis in the future and making sure that more people realise how common it is.
2. We were both HUGLEY irresponsible and stupid and are fortunate that this wasn’t something worse. AIDS, syphilis, gonorrhoea, chlamydia and trichomoniasis. When you go for your test please be tested for everything. I was clean on the 11th of March. Now I am not so sure.
I had my last test on the 11th of March – at the end of the day whichever way this goes I’m the one that so far has born the brunt of the symptoms.
As someone who knows how terrifying it is not to know about the state of your health, I do commiserate at your current situation.
However, please accept responsibility where the carrier or not for whatever the conclusion of this horrid situation is.
Honestly, yes. I think you gave it to me. But what can now be achieved that will benefit me or you now in blame? Nothing. I think this is a moot point on both sides.
I am praying you to come back clean, even if this makes me the ‘baddie’. I care more about your health than being the baddie in this horrendous situation.
Please see the below information.
“Your partner may have caught genital herpes from you. It is possible that you carry the virus without knowing that you have it since up to 80% of people who have been infected with HSV-2 have either no herpes symptoms or such mild symptoms they are unaware they have the herpes virus. So it is very easy for you to have unwittingly transmitted the infection to your partner. The symptoms of the infection vary greatly between individuals – it might be totally unnoticeable in you but cause severe blistering in your partner.”
And just in case you missed the first part.
“Since the genital herpes virus can be transmitted through oral sex as well as vaginal sex, it is also possible that your partner caught the virus from a cold sore on your mouth or face. Remember, it is possible you can pass the herpes virus on even if you didn’t have a cold sore present at the time of contact.”

Finally, as an afterthought, she adds –

“I hope you are feeling better – I can’t remember if you have asked me how I am, or if I am in pain or discomfort. :(”

Yes. It’s totally too long for a Whatsapp message but he wouldn’t give her his email, so quite simply – fuck it. This is the litmus test of Mr Unavailable. If he really doesn’t care about her then this will be when it shows. Or rather doesn’t. Daisy fell in love with what this man projected but now, she is seeing the light. Beautiful things and people are often in some way tarnished below the surface and far better to know now than later. In a way, this nightmare is a blessing. Firstly Daisy is becoming incredibly educated on a subject which has a huge stigma, and secondly, she is seeing people for who they are.
Her bestie C was honest about her family and how common herpes is, and then even Tom was supportive and got educated so he could be her friend about this. The other possible offender is saying he will make the effort to sort this and the one person she wants to be an adult is being, unfortunately, a bit of a twat about the whole thing. Yes. It does make her sad, but at the same time her new diagnosis has given back Daisy some of her balls and gumption. Life is too short to be with people who don’t care, don’t take responsibility, or aren’t honest when push comes to shove.
He is just as much responsible for this as her and she is still upset. Daisy is trying to not being impetuous, but her heart outweighs her head. He has not once made an effort to ask about her throughout this and maybe it is time to move on. It’s with a heavy heart that Daisy presses ‘SEND’. But she knows that in life she only wants the very best, most positive people and if he isn’t going to be one of them so be it.

[2:19 PM, 5/4/2019] Daisy: I hope you are feeling better – I can’t remember if you have asked me how I am, or if I am in pain or discomfort. 😦

[4:23 PM, 5/4/2019] Mr Unavailable: Hi darling-
(As if everything can be made better by adding ‘darling’.)

I’m really not in the mood for all of this right now.

(Does he think she is? Does he think she wants to have this STD? Or be bothering him, with calling him up on his shit? NO. NO. NO!)

To be brutally honest I’m getting a bit fed up with your general attitude; normally I just brush it off.

(What fucking attitude? Honestly? Christ this man is delusional. Calm yourself, Daisy. Attitude? Perhaps he is referring to how unlike the other women he has met in his life she isn’t just let him walk over her, and onwards without the truth being pointed out? Whatever, which way, Daisy is trying not to seethe.)

But right now the pressure I am under I’m not prepared to put up with it.

(At this moment Daisy realises she is being treated like a naughty, badly behaved child. She is in disbelief. Utter disbelief.)

I’ll message you again when I am back-probably two/three weeks.
You can take some time to look after yourself and I will be in a better place.

(The land of reality?)

Keep well, and I’ll message you soon.

(I won’t hold my breath thinks Daisy. Two to three weeks? Brilliant. In that time, which might be considered ‘another’ ‘reset’ to their ‘non-existent’ relationship she is going to focus on her writing, her art, her body.
As Frank Sinatra said, ‘the best revenge is a massive success’.)

Winning the war in your mind? Winning the war with your heart maybe too. Daisy will always love Mr Unavailable, but maybe now she needs to get on with her life. There is no guarantee he will get back in contact. Indeed if he does test positive it could go one of two ways, and really unless he actually wants to be her friend will he bother? Daisy takes a deep breath and lets her inner voice remind her of the truth.
If he can’t make time for her in his life, what does that really say?
Not that she needs him to, to be honest, but every sign just seems to be pointing out his flaws.
Daisy makes a decision. If they can get through all this miscommunication and misunderstanding then maybe there will be a ‘them’, an ‘us’.
If they don’t, the writing is on the wall. End of.

May the 4th be with you, and Mr U not..

Sometimes, even the ones we love hurt us. Sometimes you can tell in your gut things aren’t right. Sometimes….
“It’s quite something if even in her dreams, the Mr Unavailable situation can be making Daisy feel shit.
She isn’t quite sure of how the scenario comes about in her dream, but it’s something along the lines of her parents embarrassing her, and him feeling awkward and making excuses to leave and not see her again….”

It’s quite something if even in her dreams, the Mr Unavailable situation can be making Daisy feel shit.
She isn’t quite sure of how the scenario comes about in her dream, but it’s something along the lines of her parents embarrassing her, and him feeling awkward and making excuses to leave and not see her again. Well, not see her again like ‘that’ anyway.
For some reason, they are all there, in the dining room come kitchen and while her mother irons (a terrible faux pas when you have guests anyway) her father is doing her speech about the price of some Fish & Chips he has been overcharged for, and Daisy is annoyed with him. She can’t understand why he didn’t notice he was being overcharged and then say something about it and she is laying into him, in typical Daisy, ‘trying to be helpful, but bloody pissed off’ when Mr Unavailable appears in the doorway looking awkward.
The dream makes no real effort to connect why he is there or why this is the straw that breaks the camel’s back, but as Daisy storms in to the kitchen to try and sort out pictures on an Android phone (this is how you can tell it must be a nightmare, an Android phone? This really is cruel) he comes up behind her and stands next to the fridge and she hears those dulcet caramel tones of upper-class England roll out words that stab at her.
“I just think this isn’t going to work, it always gets confused, and awkward, and I just think it would be better if we were friends. I don’t think we should meet again like this. Indeed, I think, and I know you won’t like the idea of it, maybe we should just meet somewhere, like a beach and go for a walk?”
(In reality, if Mr Unavailable ever did actually try and arrange something Daisy might fall over with shock as she has accidentally ended up doing all the chasing, but in this dream, this isn’t really what matters to her.)
Daisy has her back to him, and every ounce of her wants to turn around and fight what he is saying. Argue, that it’s fine, that he just needs to be patient, to wait, everything will be fine. But her body is frozen facing the wall with her phone, her finger jabbing uselessly on what should be a ‘Home’ button but that takes ages to do anything and then allows the phone to momentarily glow, action something, freeze in the action and then die. The phone is some way seems to be a reflection of her attempts to establish a relationship with this man. She feels hopeless. Exhausted. Someone who wants to fight but just doesn’t have the energy. She wants to turn round, and grab him, and shake him until he shakes theses stupid ideas out of his head, make him see, that in this world where finding someone you can put up with for more than five minutes is so challenging, to actually find someone you feel chemistry with and want to tear off their clothes when you see them is priceless.
He can feel the magnetism between them, she is certain of that. So why the hell is he so scared of her, and ‘this’? Has he really been that badly hurt before?
At the back of her head, she hears C. Her voice, that never was sing-song like, singing out the words she fears.
“People like that don’t end up with people like you hun. Posh types only go out with posh types, and yeah, ok, you aren’t common but you definitely aren’t posh enough for him.”
Daisy pushes this outrageous thought to the back of her minds filing system. Although she understands the innate interbreeding of the upper classes, she also knows that occasionally there needs to be cross-pollination, and for goodness sake, isn’t she a perfect candidate for this exercise. (Surely the whole Wills and Kate thing isn’t a total fluke. Daisy wishes she had read the dating book Kate used, ‘How To Catch A Prince’ an underground Amazon bestseller).
Mr Unavailable may have a heritage that goes back to the 17th century and may have four decades of Etonian and Oxbridge history, but he isn’t the most attractive man in the world to most people, and he definitely isn’t the sanest by most conventional standards. His ideas on a complete secondary Heridary chamber are verging on bizarre, and that’s before you get to some of the quirkier ones. But she loves his quirkiness.
There is something about this tall, blonde, floppy-haired smoking posh boy that lights her up and ticks her boxes. To her, he is perfect even with his absurdities. She feels their feelings on privatisation, private education, the wife looking after the children and maybe staying at home (while writing books) and possibly shooting the worst offenders in society are almost perfectly matched, so really, can a misunderstanding really ruin it all?
In the dream it does. He leaves, as he had in real life the other day. Without coffee or making his roll-ups, and again Daisy feels bereft. Every time he leaves her, in real life or in dreams, she feels like death has visited. The numbness wakes her. It’s about 6 am and she is still tired but wants to try and get the day off to a positive start.
Looking at her phone when she rises is second nature, and as she glances at the screen she sees his name. A quick swipe and the phone glows into life, and the message is open and she is reaching for her glasses, so that just maybe she stands a change of not misreading it and getting it wrong.

[8:16 AM, 5/3/2019] Mr Unavailable: Morning. I’m really sorry about yesterday. I’m pretty upset about all this, and although I know it’s not your fault, on top of work it’s not making me feel too great.
I’ve got some test booked for next week, so hopefully, then I will no more. I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through and wish I could give you a hug. In the office all weekend, but hope you make the most of the good weather. x

This is what Daisy wishes she saw on her phone. Of course, the reality is that no. He hasn’t texted.
Part of Daisy knows he won’t.
Part of Daisy, who strongly believes in the ‘Law of Attraction’ believes if you believe it will happen it will.
Out of this hell will come light. She is sure of it. Almost.

Not apportioning blame…

After the event, when the horse has bolted, what can you do? Blame serves no purpose but Daisy would still like to know the truth. Was it Mr Unavailable or Mr Big? If only so that they don’t infect someone else. Lucky both men are really mature about things. (Like shit, one of them is… 😦 )

It’s Daisy’s father’s birthday, and really if she had more energy she should get out of bed and help walk the dogs with him. But so far this week has weighed heavy on her.
From the warm folds of her soft bed linen, she sends a message to Mr Unavailable. She is fully aware, that for him right now the world is full of fear and uncertainty and perhaps her ‘gun ho’ attitude of ‘this will be ok’ didn’t go down to well last night.
Tentatively she sends the following:

[7:38 AM, 5/3/2019] Daisy: My GP emailed me back… again – I’m not trying to apportion blame but have either of you ever had a cold sore?

(Now she copies the email into Whatsapp for him to see – the truth is she wants to be totally honest with him.

[7:39 AM, 5/3/2019] Daisy: Hi Daisy,

It can happen to anyone. It was type I which is the ‘cold sore virus’. It is very common (67% of the global population under 50 have it).
People may not be aware they have it.
Both types can be transferred sexually.
It can be spread by oral sex from a person with cold sores.
I always advocate ‘safe sex’ using condoms (even for oral sex) with new partners.
In a ‘steady’ relationship it is fine to not use barrier methods if neither partner has any open cold sores.
You can treat breakouts with Zovirax tablets.

It will get better!

Best wishes

Dr T

(Daisy knows she is very lucky to have such an amazingly kind and sensitive GP. In one message, in his free evening time, he has sought to console her and drag her back from the Abyss of the end of the world where she was yesterday.)

[9:01 AM, 5/3/2019] Mr Unavailable: Well I’m still waiting to hear back from the clinic; I’ll ask them as to the use of testing outside on an outbreak
Tbh my assumption is that if I have it then you would be the most likely one I have caught it from.

(Daisy feels a coldness course through her body. She rereads this. First, she reads it as him taking responsibility, and then she reads it properly and sees how he is apportioning blame on her. Fuck.)

It doesn’t necessarily matter to me from where I got it as I think it highly unlikely that I have had it for long so I don’t need to work out who I’d need to get back in touch with.

(Great, another stab at her. Thanks, darling.)

With cold sores, I don’t really get them, the only thing that springs to mind is that you had them frequently before.

(In one sentence he says what she needed to hear, and also manages to say something irrelevant. Daisy has already spoken to Mr Big and he never gets cold sores. Maths is not Daisy’s strong point but fuck-it, the evidence is pretty damming. Nice how he twists it around to her though. He was the one that plunged into her without protection, without asking. Yes, she should have said something but fuck it, really? Can he really be behaving like this?)

[9:01 AM, 5/3/2019] Mr Unavailable: Btw I’m still digesting the information.

[9:06 AM, 5/3/2019] Daisy: My other friend has never had a cold sore.

[9:09 AM, 5/3/2019] Mr Unavailable: Has he got tested then?

Daisy types something out quickly, and as her best friend Tom would say, ‘impetuously’. Her finger hovers over ‘Send’, and then she takes a deep breath and realises that this is fruitless. He is busy at work. He is stressed. He has no answers. He may even, and here she pushes the boat out for him, he may feel guilty. (Hm, unlikely, but Daisy does always try to see the best in people).
At this point, Daisy realises that this is not going to be concluded today. It won’t matter what she says to him, because right now he is really upset and fear, fear is the major driving force behind his words and action. Daisy knows the chances are it was him that gave it to her. The odds for someone with the cold sore virus, just happening to be the person that last had sex with her before she had symptoms is just too obvious for words.
The message she wants to send is this.

“I’m really upset by all this.
Assumptions aren’t healthy neither is blame.
We were both hugely irresponsible and are fortunate that this wasn’t something worse.
He is going to get tested – I am not going to jump to conclusions but he is a lot older than us and has never had a cold sore in his life. I slept with him for years back when we dated and never had a problem. The symptoms didn’t start until after we slept together (positive because I’m a worst-case scenario if he did give it to me you might be fine) but odd that it was after you and not him.
So if you get tested and don’t have it – great 👍🏻
If you get tested and do have it and your results come back before his – well the odds are on you but at least you know now and can be aware for the future.
I had a completely clear test on the 11th of March – at the end of the day whichever way this goes I’m the one that so far has born the brunt of the symptoms.”

But the reality is that this won’t help the situation. Instead, she needs to persuade Mr Big to go and get tested.

She had started by asking Mr Big this morning if he had had a cold sore. If this is what has caused the problem then this is most likely the culprit.

[6:09 AM, 5/3/2019] Mr Big: Never had one.

[7:30 AM, 5/3/2019] Daisy: Well I suppose you have always been pretty fit haven’t you x

[7:31 AM, 5/3/2019] Mr Big: Fit, healthy and clean X

[7:32 AM, 5/3/2019] Daisy: X

[9:07 AM, 5/3/2019] Daisy: Please can you get checked out ASAP as the jerk of a guy I slept with is blaming me x and I think it was him x

[9:10 AM, 5/3/2019] Mr Big: Careful who you sleep with. X

[9:17 AM, 5/3/2019] Daisy: Just you both x

(Doesn’t Daisy know it. One of these two is a mature, responsible adult. The other one is throwing his toys out of the pram. Isn’t it ironic that the behaviour she wishes Mr Unavailable would demonstrate is actually being shown by the man with thirty years head start on him.)

[9:17 AM, 5/3/2019] Daisy: Such an idiot.

[9:17 AM, 5/3/2019] Daisy: I’ve not slept with anyone for years and then I was stupid twice

[9:18 AM, 5/3/2019] Daisy: When can you get tested?

[9:33 AM, 5/3/2019] Mr Big: When I get a chance

[9:34 AM, 5/3/2019] Daisy: There’s a blow job in it for you and making me a happy girl x

(Daisy likes giving blog jobs. Especially to people, she cares about, and in this instance perhaps a blow job may incentivise Mr Big to get this sorted.)

[9:46 AM, 5/3/2019] Daisy: Or maybe you could ask your GP but this would also work if you turned up for opening or booked an appointment x last bother of you I promise but I’m so upset by all this xxx

[10:02 AM, 5/3/2019] Mr Big: I’ll get a full check up so you know I’m clean and unlikely to drop dead having sex with you. X
Considering he is a funeral director, it’s not like this would be a huge problem. But having seen a film where the President drop dead during intercourse with his PA Daisy is always aware of the possibilities of these things.

[10:03 AM, 5/3/2019] Daisy: That would be wonderful! What an incredibly kind and caring thing to do x

(And how calm and considerate.)

[10:13 AM, 5/3/2019] Mr Big: That’s just me, I enjoy your company it doesn’t always have to end with sex. X

(No, it doesn’t. But it’s fun when it does and he is a kind and considerate vanilla lover. It could never ‘work, work’ with him. But it does ‘work’ for them in its own special way.)

[1:18 PM, 5/3/2019] Daisy: It’s so nice to be corresponding with a grown up. A nice mature calm one at that. Hope your day is going well. X

Forget ‘Ghosting’, now there is ‘Cloaking’…

https://www.foxnews.com/lifestyle/trickle-ghosting-dating-term-viral-reddit.amp

Full story in the article above but the relevance of this is that back in September when I met Mr Unavailable (think a combination of Christian Grey and Hugh Grant in ‘Bridget Jones’) our ‘relationship’ didn’t get off to a great start when he kept vanishing on me.

It’s a long story which you will in due time come to be aware of but the key point is that of someone disappears for days at a time when you don’t know them but do care, it’s an emotional rollercoaster. Have they died in a freak accident? Or are they just bored?

You’ve just started to fall for them, and are they now dead? Even if they were it’s not like someone is going to tell you but none the less you do care. But today it turns out that ‘Ghosting’ has taken a darker turn. Say hello to ‘Cloaking’.

The Night That Went Wrong

Thursday 18th of April

Fatigue is more than tiredness. It weighs you down, drags you further under until you feel weighted by stones to the bottom of life’s seabed. Even when you sleep you are still tired on waking, and it seems like while the rest of the world gets on and moves on you are held in this stationary purgatory.
This is how Daisy feels on Thursday morning, the 18th of April 2019. And she cannot feel like this today. There is too much to do, too much to organise. On Friday she has planned with her sister an adventure to the seaside and she must be organised and prepared, ready to be both part of the way driver and puppy mummy to the dogs that they will be taking with them. Her one-year-old puppy has never been to West Wittering and with such lovely weather planned it seems like the perfect excursion for Bank Holiday Friday.
There is currently a coolness to the early mornings, and by getting up earlier, even if it exhausts her further, fewer people to bump into on the common mean that her puppy won’t spend too much of the time diving off to be sociable. If ever there was a dog echoing human life, her dog is. She reminds Daisy of her when she used to go out drinking in her youth, as she has that unrestrained enthusiasm for introducing herself to everyone, dog walker, non-dog walkers, dogs and anything else that she comes across. Although she jumps less, she is still a law onto herself so Daisy relishes the almost deserted woodland, now starting to go green as the burnt toffee browns of winter start to disappear away.
After that, she ventures to the supermarket to get food for tonight, making sure to use hand sanitizer on the shopping cart rail, and avoid touching things unnecessarily. On her return home, she books a doctor’s appointment as there are some funny hard lumps under her arm and she needs to try and sort out her medication prescriptions which have confused her totally with their irregular fashion of delivery by the local pharmacist, but that is quite another story.
Once this, her morning of tasks is completed, she checks the house over to try and make sure that it is presentable. It’s a beautiful house but is showing it’s age, and from what Mr Unavailable has said he lives in a six-bedroom small country pile, with next door neighbours who are millionaires so it’s a stark contrast to here. This lived in family relic of her parents. The walls hold the memories of laughter and tears, and now on the market to be sold Daisy will miss it terribly.
Time ticks on and she starts to prepare the dinner of hamburgers and the accompaniments she has planned. The new recipe she found has excited her with its mention of ‘miso’ which she definitely doesn’t have, and sausage meat which she does. A fifty-fifty split is complimented by mustard and a little Worstechire sauce. The patties are made and dusted with flour sitting neatly in lines in the fridge, covered with a slither of cellophane when eventually he arrives with a knock and saunters in the side door. His tall frame is silhouetted against the dying light outside and her world changes.
Normally so calm and collected, she becomes a girl, all giggles and nervous smiles. She wishes she could relax more, but it is such an odd feeling to be in the company of someone she feels so attracted to. To have him, in such close proximity to her. Every moment is precious, and she treasures the time they have alone together because honestly she just doesn’t know how long they have.
Her jokey text about ‘not worrying if he hadn’t anything to bring’ and if he wanted wine ‘there was Tesco or the Co-Op’ has led to him coming in coming in with a bottle of Co-Op Chablis and some Prosecco Truffles. She grins when he presents these to her, and quickly finds a wine cooler and ice cubes for his wine, which he starts to quaff quickly. As she continues to slice and season, he takes a seat and it becomes apparent that Mr Unavaiable is also the sort of man who has a pair of socks for his boots, and another pair for wearing indoors. It’s these little eccentricities that endear her to him, despite her efforts not to care. Daisy has made valiant efforts to prepare most of the dinner already, mixing, chopping, but the fatigue is heavy on her. She doesn’t want him to know until the food is on the table, but it’s a huge disappointment to her that it won’t be up to its normal high standard. There is fun banter between them, ‘chit chat’ about his work, his positive meeting, how finally he is being taken seriously, and how this is his time. Soon his company will be taking off and he will be able to take on freelancers, and then…
Then he comes over to her, and while her back is to him, his arms snake around her, pulling her tight and close, and she leans into him as he nuzzles her neck. Then he turns her around, leans down and forward and there lands on her lips that sweet feeling of his soft lips, sweet from the wine, against hers, and then he kisses her. She melts. It is probably pheromones because he doesn’t wear cologne, his scent, a mixture of tobacco, and whatever he washes himself and his shirts in somehow drives her wild. Her skin is alight with goosebumps, and she involuntarily shivers as she leans into him and grinds her hips into him, and feeling him start to harden within those expensive navy jeans of his. Long muscular arms slide around behind her and down into her oversized denim shorts, down into the soft black cotton of her knickers, and he starts to touch her. She melts a little more and pushes closer to him, and his crisps, light blue pinstripe shirt, with that tantalizing button undone at the neck, that she desperately wants to undo. Their kisses are those of two people who really do like each other. Who whether the world intended them to come together or not, are in each others company and want to be in it more intimately. She has prepared dinner, but he pushes her out the door and encourages her upstairs where he throws himself on to the quilt and pulls her on top of him. The kissing continues and the shirt is lost, so are the trousers and there he is, naked and her still clothed.
“Striptease!” he teases her, or so she thinks, but no he actually seems to want it, or demand it?
Disappointment fills her, she has let herself down in her choice of lingerie. In her attempts ‘not to bother’ (as encouraged by her reading material), she has failed herself and him. After weeks of provocative lingerie shots, she is now in some sporting some very comfortable Sloggie Black knickers and a Victoria Secrets bra, which is perfectly presentable but hardly a showstopper. Her choice of what she thought was a perfectly reasonable blue and a white sleeveless shirt that had matched so well with her ‘holed’ grey cashmere jumper and little shorts and yet, is now, so inappropriate. The best of an awkward situation is dealt with her pointing out this is hardly the outfit for seduction. Once she is down to the skin, she stands, as confidently as she can in this new body she has worked so hard to get and surveys him, trying to gage him, and exhude as much confidence as she can before climbing onto the bed and on top of him.
He has an unnerving ability to arouse her. His touch on her skin makes her skin tingle and she writhes under him, pushing herself into him, their bodies entwining into one heaving mass of pleasure. Something he does with his tongue and then his fingers, stroking her inside, making her so wet she is embarrassed.
“Am I making you squirt?” he enquires, and she is too ashamed or the fluid everywhere, to respond.
Like an explorer, he has a way of finding her sweet spots, and although she isn’t having orgasms, her eyes are doing that weird flickery thing which is almost like a shutter and she is feeling lost in their intimacy.
They pause for him to go for a smoke and for her to regain her composure. In her wardrobe is a long purple cotton maxi skirt and a light blue and white shirt. There is no need for knickers. Downstairs she puts things away and waits for him to return. It’s so nice to have him here, so close and so relaxed. She wanted him to rest, but he says that time with her and sex is rest, so she will let that slide. He returns and soon they are kissing again and he pushes her up against the island unit turns her around and bends her over the counter so he can penetrate her. It’s another good angle and he leans forward and whispers in her ear.
“Soon I will be able to come and do this to your arse, just as deep, just as hard.”
It’s a naughty thought and it takes them both to higher levels of pleasure.