‘Pleasure Guilt’ – Maybe I’m a secret Catholic?

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She wakes fretting about things that are irrelevant, past and unrelated to her current life and then sees there are no new messages on her phone. All hers are read ticked with blue ticks, and she wonders wistfully if she might learn some self-control this year. Less messages, more playing it cool and learning the waiting game. Last night in all it’s ‘naughtiness’ was delightful, but what now? What and when will the next installment of their lives unfold?
Perhaps she is a secret Catholic as that would explain why today she feels so guilty about last night. How can one feel so guilty about something that was so fun and felt so right?
They are both in the wrong place for a ‘relationship’ and yet, what they already have is a make-do version of one. So much in common through shared interests in health, films, photography, and art. An unquestionable attraction between them…
Him in London and her here, would seem unrealistic and yet with £20 fares in each direction what really is there to stop them spending time together? Him with a son, would in most circumstances be a hurdle of first love she would never replace, but with his son, she already loves the boy and sees him as a family so what would ever change?
They are both focused on their goals, their careers, their visions, and people like that work hard and then relish the playtime when it happens if it does.
The only thing that separates them is her desire for a child and his adamance that he wants no more. Wistfully she wonders if she could ever ‘park’ that somewhere in her life.
It’s grey and cold this morning and the day has every physical attribute of a hangover after the party night. She doesn’t drink anymore so there is no dull ache in her head, only one in her heart. It is doubtful he will even be thinking about it or her, but she plays the past evening over in her mind like a kitten playing with a ball of wool. Rolling it away, chasing it down, getting tangled in the emotions she can barely understand.
The truth is there is nothing to be done. Now, she must sit and patiently wait.
If another invite for Tuesday comes she must make a decision, and if it doesn’t what should she do? She loves spending time with him, but must somehow achieve mystery and a certain ‘je ne sais quoi’ that she has no idea how to manifest. If only life was straightforward if only one could speak one’s mind… If only she could wake up every morning to him lying next to her in bed… if only… #mychristmaswish

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