Maybe you are on his mind, as much as he is on yours…
I should know better. It’s not as though this conversation has been totally cool. If I look back through the picture messages and well let us be frank, the predominant number, most of them are from me. I don’t want to think the worst of him, because I don’t even think he probably realizes what this is turning into but if this was a friend I think I’m beginning to realize what I would say to them.
The Family Friend is lonely. He’s also a guy with a high sex drive. What he wants is an available woman. He’s also, been very badly hurt in the past and for that among many reasons he’s scared of rejection and doesn’t want to get hurt again. He wants someone he can trust, and yet his head is still so messed up he can’t even begin to fathom the idea of a relationship. Trust issues are huge, as is our desire for self-preservation but that doesn’t mean that he’s not full of desire.
Then along came me; the ‘other’ female Family Friend that has always been in his life and he’s seen grow from a child into a woman. At first, he may have been confused and a little disgusted that he found me attractive but after I made it clear that I was a sexual human being and available, his defences dropped. At this point due to the choice of communication method viz texting and images, he was able to detach himself from the reality of me as a person in his life. When we message he is talking to a sexualized, available human being and suddenly an innocent friendship has turned into something much more erotic.
If we were not connected through families, friendship and years of memories and experiences, if we were strangers, then what happens next really wouldn’t matter but unfortunately, we have both been hurt and for us both, trust issues are huge. If I was someone with more energy then maybe it would be OK to casually fuck him but as much as many women are fine with this arrangement, I am the sort of person that attaches a huge amount of significance to sexual intercourse especially now as he is the man I’ve had a crush on since the age of about seven and felt that I have loved since the age of 15. With our limited contact, there is no real way I could actually have been in love with him – infatuated more likely – but that doesn’t stop me from feeling that he could be “The One” Realistically, realistically there’s no such thing as “The One.” There are a number of different people who come into your life at different times for different reasons and at any point might feel a good fit with what you’re looking for. To say that they are the only one that would complete you and make you feel complete is just a figment of the imagination.
So to summarize, what is harmless fun and erotic pleasure to him is unfortunately seen by me as something much more than it actually is. Flattered as I am by his attention and as turned on as I am by him, if I really want to get on with my life, I am actually going to have to start ignoring him and bringing things back to a more level existence.
I’m an old hand now at falling for people that don’t love me and at least the bittersweetness of this whole mini-drama is that even though he doesn’t love me as I want him to, I’m sure at least a little part of him loves me as a friend.
When the messages stopped so suddenly today leaving me on so geographically satisfied I panicked. Of course, I did, it’s what I finished being rejected, or worse abandoned. The last thing is an echo back to my childhood existence. (Men don’t understand how a lack of response can be so destroying to a woman, why must we need so much attention? Really? It’s quite mad.) And with anyone else, yes. I should be freaked. But not with TFF. Yes, he can do weird shit, and he can run away, but realistically we are tied to together by more than randomness. Family friendships have existed for years and will continue to do so, we will just need to row on. Row on down the river of life, and past all the craziness of relationships and love.
I sent the picture included with the last post and the message “#friendship, #friends x” and finally once he had read this followed it up with an image self from a photographer friend of a woman on her front spread eagle across a bed. Well, why not? It’s not like I am going to get what I want right now, so the occasional tease or arousing shot can’t hurt? Can it…?
I’m not giving up yet. Not on this one.