I’m am flattened by everything that has gone before me and it will later transpire that I only managed about five and a half hours sleep. As I walk, emotion bubbles up and for a moment I let the tears fall down my cheeks. I love him so much, and this could all be so nice, and good and happy, and I’ve ruined it with caring too much. Being too honest.
[7:30 AM, 4/19/2019] Daisy: I’m sorry you felt got at – I’m sorry I came across that way – sex is fine but let’s just chill this evening as planned. Friends last longer than lover anyway x
[7:37 AM, 4/19/2019] Daisy: Without sex – bugger sorry 😐
Shit. I can’t even get my messages to him right.
Back home, I take a view on the bed. If I thought he was coming back I would leave it, but I might as well wash the bedding if he isn’t. It is a beautiful mess. I look at it and take a photo with my mind before I use my phone to capture it. Maybe I can prove I understand with a photo? I strip the bed and take another photo which I sent to him.
[8:40 AM, 4/19/2019] Daisy: Thank you for such great last time sex – those are some brilliant memories you’ve given me x now washing bedding as 1. I think you will not want to come back 🙄 (hoping you genuinely might want to hang out as friends though) and 2. Even if you did although you would be welcome to be in my bed without sex, I’ve set the spare room up, so you know I understand fully the situation. I hope you have a really positive morning x
There is a pause and then out of politeness I receive a desultory,
[9:34 AM, 4/19/2019] Mr Unavailable: Have a lovely day at the beach x
When I return from the walk, I make a coffee, with my new Lavazza coffee that with three teaspoons of sexy half calorie sugar tastes delicious and nap for half an hour. When the timer goes, I rush around, making a drinks bag for the beach, filling a sea through plastic one with crisps. Packing the water for the dogs and checking that I have an outfit change into a beautiful dress if the weather continues to improve.
[10:37 AM, 4/19/2019] Daisy: Hope it’s going well – don’t forget your doughnut!
I know that if you have made a decision about tonight nothing will change it – but optimist that I am – how does salad tricolour with carbonara and a hand burger if we still crave meat sound? X
I drive over to my sisters and as I wait for them to come down to the car, I can’t help myself but add another heap of the earth on top of my coffin.
[10:58 AM, 4/19/2019] Daisy: It was our last week of sex anyway 😐🙄
It’s a lovely day, sunny and warm, and as I drive, I mentally prepare myself for the fact he won’t be coming later. I try to be optimistic, but sometimes you just know the truth, don’t you? By the time we reach the idyllic little waterfront pub, my passengers are hungry, so I drop them at the door then go off to park the car.
As I walk down to the pub in my pretty dress after the obligatory selfie to reassure myself that despite him not wanting me, I am attractive, I try calling. It rings and rings, and I imagine him busy at his computer watching as the screen lights up and ignoring me. Desperate now, I leave a message. Voice messages.
“Hey there, just arrived down in Chichester and about to have lunch so I thought I would give you a call. Just about to have lunch, and as it would obviously be a bit rude for me to take your call then I thought I would just drop you a line. I’m sorry I made you feel uncomfortable, but really you shouldn’t as it was always going to be our last week of being intimate due to the situation about you coming over when the parents are home. Now, I do care about my friends a lot, and yes, there are emotions involved with having a friend, but they don’t love emotions, of ‘happy ever after’. At the end of the day you have set out your case and everything, and as much as I am sad about that, as there is incredible chemistry between us, and I think we would make a very good team, I would rather have you in my life as a friend than as nothing at all. And as a friend, you need to practice being friends. But look there is no pressure, if you decide its really all too awkward, it’s fine, but I think this evening it would be fun while there aren’t another people around, just to chill out. Um, yes, it’s beautiful down here, and I was like, shall I send him a selfie, or will that make things worse? And I probably will send you the selfie, but there won’t be any more provocative pictures if they make you uncomfortable. Anyway, sending you hugs and cuddles and hoping you have a good afternoon.”
I send him some selfies, pictures of the view, the great weather, the fantastic food and then focus on my time with the family which is lovely. Afterwards, we take the dogs to West Wittering where on a packed beach my puppy runs amuck, and the older dog steals balls. It’s very hot and we walk almost the whole length of the beach. It’s beautiful. I wish I could share it with him. My sister walks hand in hand with her husband, no sign of her pregnancy showing, except a happy glow to her disposition, and I wish that could be me. Walking with someone who loved me unconditionally and who had my back.
[3:21 PM, 4/19/2019] Mr Unavailable: Hope you’re having fun at the beach, looks like good food. I got caught up with the work, sorry I missed your call. I’m heading down to London now with some business colleagues so definitely won’t be coming over.
Hope you continue having lots of fun with your sister-well done with the weather
So that is that. There is no need for a response immediately. The old part of me wants to write the essay explaining that he is the only one I can imagine penetrating me anally and how we can just be friends, and I want to support him and care for him and be the friend he hasn’t had before. But as time passes, I think better of it. I leave it until later and then send
[5:37 PM, 4/19/2019] Daisy]: Hope it goes well x
As they drive back my sister sits in the front and she unloads the whole sorry situation to her. Daisy cries, the tears escaping from under her sunglasses and her sister, the sober sensible new version of herself comfort Daisy.
Daisy manages to hold out until before bed when she sends a bed selfie. Her lips together so they are fuller, and her eyes smiling up at the camera suggestively. My hair is tousled and a halo around my head. My grey nightdress almost like a dress like silhouetted against the bed linen. Nothing.
[10:51 PM, 4/19/2019] Daisy: X