IKEA, drawers but no sex

I’m loving a storage journey. The word journey being vastly better than ‘nightmare’ which is its interchangeable equivalent. But I will not give up. I will not be broken. I will not be swallowed hole by my possessions.

IKEA will save me.

Well, the Malmn drawer set in light oak and white Finnish will give me more storage. And hopefully that will be a huge help. But I’ve only made one piece of IKEA furniture before and to be frank I was more Competent Crew than Yacht Master (the one who does the major navigation and steers the course when you are sailing). My father was directing the last project, so now, that I will be attempting this alone I though it best to seek support.

I’m new and pretty much friendless in my new location of residence save one man I went on two dates with, and my Bumble date from the other night.

I’m not a sexist – my Bumble date is my first call . But she is in the middle of a break up and if we spent the evening together with screwdrivers she is a crafter, and we might end up making a voodoo doll and that’s not going to bring either of us good karma. Tears, crafting and screwdrivers are not going to save me from my boxes 📦

So option two is the man who I went on dates with but who I managed to get to mutually agree to ‘just be friends’. He’s in tech. He’s good with his hands. They aren’t as sexy as the family friends hands which are making me melt, even as I write these words…

Tech guys hands are capable. Tech guy is good with making and mending. IKEA will not be an issue for a man who takes computers to bits for a living. I will save non alcoholic wine and tapas bars, and dog walks for my Bumble Date. She deserves nice things. Fun things. Escape things. She doesn’t need to spend an evening with an IKEA instruction manual and me being confused. That is not the best basis for our new friendship.

Instead I made an approach to Tech Guy.

Taramasalata, pitta bread and non alcoholic wine 🍷 would could be more tempting? And then hopefully I will get support building my IKEA drawer unit… I’m definitely hoping, and praying!

My Gateway Bumble Date

I need to get brave and get back into dating.

It’s such a time commitment though! And I’m so fussy 😩 which means a plan must be formed.

A friend recommended Bumble – Bumble for friends 👭 and now, after a bit of umming and ahhing, I’ve set up an account.

My first friend date was yesterday and it was a charming, enlightening experience. She was blonde, attractive, intelligent and vivacious and I was able to practice not being flirty I’m the safe knowledge she wasn’t interested in me like that either.

I’m thinking of her as my ‘gateway’ dating experience! And who knows, a few more of these, dates with girls who are looking for friendship, and I might get up the courage to try meeting boys again. Might bring the key word in that sentence.

Too fast, too soon ðŸ˜¢

You’ve never met. It’s all just beginning. And you have that flutter in your stomach that signifies the possibility of possibility! And then…


Why not ask for my PIN number? My national insurance number? Something else really personal. But not this, not yet.

What happened to getting to know someone? What happened to suspense? What happened to relationships being like unwrapping presents slowly?

I want to give someone my heart. I want to give someone my body, but to have my inner most, most naughty thoughts and actions divulged before we’ve even sat opposite each other is just wrong in my eyes.

I used to give it all up too soon. Kisses, hand jobs, blow jobs and more. I was flippant with my time and my emotions. Now I care. Now I am precious with my time and my feelings.

Disappointment may be more frequent, but maybe I will need less plasters for my soul.

Another one bites the dust, but at least I didn’t invest to highly in any way in him at all.

No knickers at Christmas ðŸŽ„

If he was your lover, you wouldn’t be surprised. But as a family friend who you have quietly fancied from afar for the past 15 years, with no indication of this attraction being returned, to have this little request Whatsapped to you, can’t help but give you a little thrill of delight and excitement on receiving it.

And then he accused me of fraud…

I wake up earlier than normal and automatically check my phone screen. It’s a mixed blessing having technology so close at hand. Sometimes you will be thrilled by an unexpected text from someone you have feelings for and feel that frisson of excitement flow throw you. At other times you wake up and think…

Jesus. Seriously? What the fuck?

The morning started with the threat of lies. And soon descended into the threat of a false criminal accusation. He said he was going to contact his credit card issuers and tell them the flight booking was a fraudulent transaction. Which of course would have lit my name up like a Christmas tree on the radar of law enforcement around the world. Threating no only my physical liberty but also my credit ration. I had placed a code on the booking so that when I felt better I could discuss buying the ticket off him. Instead, he lost the plot totally and I watched in disbelieve as on his Whatsapp account he threw his toys out of the pram. First, this was this ludicrous threat.

I wanted to pay for it. £350 I could do. But I wanted us to discuss this in person. Like adults? You know what I mean? But no. Suddenly he is threatening to attach my name to a ticket he purchased as a gift And say it was fucking fraud! And I’m shocked and saddened that someone who thought nothing of spending the money to fly his concubine out suddenly can’t have a frank discussion with me.

The next thing that happens is that he is in Bold font, screaming ‘Blackmail’ at me, alongside, ‘don’t you think you will get into legal trouble for that?’ Jesus. If I was going to blackmail you, babe, it would not be over a £350 flight. I’m not into extortion. Far too messy. I will just put a gipsy curse on you and watch and wait for life to start biting you back.

The last ex who fucked me over got obesity and a wingy bitch of a new wife. Yup. That’s got to hurt a bit.

I am not one to panic. But I was shocked by his decision to cancel the flight totally, and then angry at he could care so little for someone he was so ready to pay to fly out and fuck. Concubine here I was…

If warning bells had been gently playing in the breeze, I was now the bit inside the bell. My head reverberating with the clang of realisation that this man is selfish, self-serving and possibly evil. £350. That is what he wants back. A man who has millions stashed away and hidden from the poor wife who his is divorcing.

Eventually he says I can pay for the ticket. £350 – fine.

But oh no. It’s not just that. It’s the cost of the ticket and the £200 he gifted to me for my travel insurance. Does a gift no longer mean a gift? I know from experience I have been disciplined for even considering asking for presents back from ungrateful receivers but really?

This is all getting too expensive – so I bow out. A friendship is on its last legs now.

Everything happens for a reason. Listen to your gut. Listen to your intuition. The all-controlling angry little man I was now seeing was not one I wanted to go to bed with ever again.

Without careful consideration, I hastily send back a screenshot of the confirmation he sent me with “My pleasure” written underneath it. And follow that with, “I’m going to tell Sally everything.”

Even I now realize how bad this looks but I swear what I was saying was that I was going to tell his half divorced wife that I wasn’t staying with him if only he let me keep it. But let’s be frank. It didn’t look like that. And let’s be really honest. I was bloody angry and upset by this point, so if he misinterpreted it I wasn’t really fussed. I wanted to hurt him as much as he was hurting me, but in hindsight…

I was angry at myself for being so blind for so long to his lies about an ‘open marriage’ and his abuse of the unconditional love she had given him, and angry at him for being quite simply a shit.

Our friendship is over, but do I mind? Well only that he had come up with really extensive itineraries to the best cities in the world and now I won’t be able to borrow those… but maybe that’s Gods way of saying, “Go out there girl and make your own!”

From his bravado I knew he had a woman in every country and every city he visited. I knew he thought he was the dogs bollocks. I was now realizing he wasn’t a charming lady’s man. He was a self centered lotharion, franian and most definitely a cad of the highest order. I was disgusted that I could ever have been attracted to such an unattractive man.

But maybe that was the old me? A girl who had no self confidence and was blinded by the bling of a better life. I’m not that girl anymore.